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Family Jokes / Wife Jokes:

My wife went to the new Microsoft store in the mall. So I asked her if she bought anything and she said "No, I was just Window shopping."

A mom trying to fix up her daughter asks a guy about his job. He says "I'm a juris doctor." Mom then says, "Oh, a nice Jewish Dr." He replies, "No. I'm a lawyer." She says "Perfect!"

My married friend called me and told me he woke up in a strange bed this morning. His own!

For my wife's birthday I got her a present that will last forever... A lifetime membership to the Dollar Shave Club!

My wife said "Let's go see a movie." I said "There's nothing I want to see." She said "No. I meant let's go in the jacuzzi." I said "There's nothing I want to see there either."

I was pulled over by a cop. He gave a ticket to my wife- for back seat driving while texting.

My wife made me dinner tonight for the first time in ages. I asked her how much she needed. She said about 8 inches.

My wife is so dumb. She spent $50 on a Dumb Starbucks gift card.

My best friend just gave away a free suitcase. She gave it to her husband and said "Here you go, now get the hell out of my house!"

My wife told me she was going to double her cardio this year. So instead of two minutes she's going to do four!

After all these years of having a black car, my wife got a white one. So much for never going back.

I'm trying to figure out, as my wife gets older and older, her farts get louder and louder.

My wife asked me where this year went. I said "To your stomach and your ass." That would explain my black eye.

My wife is so stupid.... the box for the TV I bought for her birthday said LG. She said "Why did you get me a large, you know I'm a small!"

A wife found out her husband had read a book on how to have better sex. Later she realized he was cheating because her sex life still sucked.

My wife used to pump breast milk while driving. The truck drivers loved it. They would honk their horns and yell "Hey, nice headlights!"

My wife, the lawyer, really sucks at marketing. I told her to buy 2% and she came home with nonfat.

I asked my elderly mother what keeps her going. She replied, "A weak bladder."

My sister is in her late 50's and single. She asked me where she could find a guy she would be compatible with. I told her to go back to the 80's.

For my birthday my wife gave me a suit. However, this suit was hand delivered by the Sheriff.

My mother fell and went to the hospital. I asked her what floor. She said "Where do you think, the kitchen floor!"

My son sucks at math. His teacher asked him what 69 plus one is. He answered "A threesome!"

I was a guest at a same sex wedding. The best man actually said: "I wish you guys all the happiness in the world. In your case 2 hap penises."

For Halloween, my son wanted to go as the annoying orange. I told him, to save money on a costume, he should go as his annoying self.

A woman tells a private detective that she's searching for her missing husband. The detective asks her how long she’s been searching. She responds "My whole life!"

My wife is so ugly that animal control came to my house and wanted to see her license

Yo Momma's so stupid, the Cable guy asked her if she had HBO. She looked at him, smelled her under arms, and replied "No, just BO."

My wife loves to read in the shower. She's already on her 5th Kindle.

My wife didn't believe me when I told her there was a holiday called National Orgasm Day. Then again, I didn't believe her when she told me she came.

You know your family life is heading downward when it's been 10 years since your last Kodak moment. Then again, what's Kodak?

My ex-girlfriend made me chase after her so I could find her mobile hotspot.

A husband and wife had sex every day for an entire year to help improve their relationship and financial status. The bad news, once a month, he was IN THE RED.

Study shows dads with smaller testicles are more nurturing to their infants. But dads with big balls are more nurturing to their mistresses.

Voyager 1 probe is the first man-made object to enter interstellar space. I told my wife it went further than Uranus, she then slapped me!

My Mom's wheelchair left skid marks on my driveway. I told her and she said "What are skid marks" I replied "We aren't playing Jeopardy!"

My x-wife was a sex addict. She even had her own charity for it. Her motto was "Any size donation would be accepted."


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