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Random Jokes:

My waitress the other night said she was also an actress. She must not be a very good one, she couldn't even memorize my order.

The AARP is now offering a mileage plus card for people who just look old.

A young teenager asked, "How do you tell the difference between a boy tree and a girl tree?" I didn't know. The teen answered, "The boy tree has nuts."

A Marlboro big rig broke down on the highway. It caused a Cig alert.

Atheists do indeed have relationships with God. I recall when I was having sex with one, she kept yelling "Oh God! Oh God!"

Where do you find green jugs? On the Wicked Witch of the West.

I had a party at my house and the cops showed up...
with donuts.

I have a friend who bought a car that warns him before accidents occur. He said it's a good thing because he almost crapped in his pants.

I have this friend named Guy. He told me that when he turned 18 he changed it from Boy.

What do you call a group of midget attorneys that are all good looking? Pretty little lawyers.

My best friend banged his neighbor just for fun. He called it an amusement pork.

This guy was standing outside the 99 Cent Store collecting money for the homeless. I told him he'd do better outside Neiman Marcus.

My best friend told me his son was going to State. I was so happy for him. However it turns out it was State prison.

This is why our education system is failing: I asked a young woman what State she was born and she replied "United States."

What do you call a letter carrier after a sex change operation? A She-mail Man.

Since I've been on the Cabbage Soup Diet, I've been tweeting more often.

My waitress asked me if I wanna box for this and I said "Sure, if you have gloves." She was confused.

My dentist accidently gave me a shot of nitrous oxide in my butt. It gave me laughing gas.

My waitress at Red Robin slapped me. She asked me if I wanted my fries bottomless. I said "No, I prefer you bring them topless."

A news reporter was caught on camera peeing in below freezing weather. It was actually a livestream.

I watched a man who couldn't get a booger off his finger. He tried for about an hour and a half and it was finally done. It wound up being a great flick.

After a comedian's stellar performance, she said she was halfway to Vegas. That's because she performed in Barstow.

If you have to go to jury duty, bring a book, and if you want to get out of jury duty, bring Mein Kampf.

I bought a bottle of whiskey at the store. The clerk asked me for ID. I said, "I look that young?" She replied "No, it's for the credit card." I was never so dissappointed.

I found out my ex-girlfriend is on Yelp. So I gave her a review. I said she was a lousy lay.

There's really nothing wrong with having an improv group in a sketchy neighborhood.

I really don't like parodies. However, I do prefer a nice round butt and a pair a double D's.

There's the story of a farmer who finally parted with his tractor. He gave it a John Deere letter.

If bacon is bad for you, then why is making bacon a good thing?

What do you get when you adopt a she-male? Little Orphan Tranny.

Last night, after weaving my car, a cop came up to me and asked if I'd been drinking. I said "Of course not officer, I've been sleeping."

My bookkeeper is crazy. She says she keeps hearing invoices.

ABC News is coming out with a new format for viewers with Attention Deficit. It will be viewable in AD HD!

I was looking for a book on ventriloquism. I couldn't believe I found one at Barnes & Noble called "Dummies for Dummies."

Study shows the most arousing music to play during sex is the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. The opposite is Tom Petty's "Don't Do Me Like That."

I went to a strip club and saw a sign that read "Splash zone first 3 rows." I had no clue what that meant until a stripper did the splits.

A man got arrested for voyeurism and was taken to peepholes court.

On St. Patrick's Day in Ireland, they celebrate by cancelling all the AA meetings.

Jesus is in Las Vegas at a poker table looking sad because he's lost everything. God, the dealer says "Don't worry, you'll come back."

I once dated a girl that was addicted to the morning after pill. It wasn't so bad, it actually saved me a lot of money by not having to buy condoms.

My car broke down on the freeway after a long night of drinking. I wound up calling AA.

Sometimes I feel like I am the only sane person. Although in many ways that's pretty close to the definition of crazy.

A comedian was at a dinner party. He met a doctor and told him a joke. The doctor cracked up. The comedian then told him he'd be right back. 30 minutes later, he told him another joke.

If toilet paper had a sense of humor, it would be the butt of all jokes.

Imodium ADHD: For when your sh*t is all over the place.

On getting old: When I became an AARP member I was thrilled to get the discounts. Now that I'm eligible for Social Security the thrill is gone!


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